The Bachelor: Layers of Tool

I have skipped the last couple of seasons of The Bachelor because it was drifting away from the show I fell in love with and the Bachelors and Bachelorettes were boring people and I frankly didn't like to watch humans throwing themselves at such vanilla characters. However, when I read the information for the second episode of the season that called the contestants "survivors", I knew that I couldn't pass it up this time. Plus, Brad Womack is a slimy human being which completely qualifies him as interesting.

The opening scene to this most glorious episode has the second-time Bachelor thinking with a football in his hands while staring out into the great abyss of the greater Los Angeles region. Every guy does their best thinking while holding a football and most of the time they are thinking of beer and cheerleaders, not unlike what happens on The Bachelor.

The women this season have been scrounged up from the darkest corners of America and include two girls named Chantal (granted one spells her name Shawntel). One even quit her job as a waitress to enter this voyage of love with Brad and has no problem repeating that fact over the entire course of this episode. Seeing twenty girls fighting over one aloof guy reminds me of being in a sorority so this show is like a welcome homecoming.

Someone must have protested about ageism because the ages are not displayed next to the contestant's names anymore, leaving me guesstimating that the average age of the women is like 27.5. Probably one or two over 30, five at about 29-30, ten from 26-28 and with the youngest probably being 23.

Let's get into the first date. Ashley the Dentist receives the first one on one date much to the chagrin of the other women who don't even pretend to be happy for her. She decides to wear a dress that is made of gold lamé and eighteen layers of tulle on the bottom. Interesting choice. Brad picks her up in a nice car (just once I want them to get into a Honda Civic) and whisks her away to a darkened path where she is to pull a switch and electrocute her first prisoner as an homage to Brad's home state of Texas. Actually, she pulls the switch and lights up a whole carnival, just for the two of them. The unfortunate part is that they have to walk through a giant creepy clown face. If it was me I would have said "date over". Skip to the montage of merry making and I do have to say that it seems like Brad is genuinely having fun. He gives Dentist Ash a pretty strong high five as if he didn't even remember he was on television and shouldn't smack a woman. They get into some deep conversation and Brad acts as though it's life changing how alike the are and, bada bing, Ash gets a rose. I'm going to go ahead and call her a front-runner.

Back at the Mansion (again, I like to see the girls in maybe a mobile home), the women find out that 15 of them are going to be going on a group date. Uh-oh, fifteen girls+estrogen+Brad=drama. It's Michelle's 30th Birthday for the group date and she is not going to stop talking about it until she gets her way. It was every other word out of her mouth. That woman has some of the creepiest eyes I have ever seen. I would be scared to be in the same room as her because you can tell that every minute of the day she is plotting to manipulate someone. And that's exactly what she does. The contestants make several commercials for the American Red Cross Blood Donation banks, none of which are well acted, and during a particularly steamy scene involving two girls, one cup and Brad, Michelle storms out. Her plan has worked and Brad comes over to see how she is doing. Sly way of getting alone time. The women and Brad then head to some sort of pool for the obligatory ab shot of the episode and Michelle gets the rose. The appetizers looked really delicious but they were of course untouched because these women can't eat for the two months whilst they are on this show per the contract they sign.

Next up is Jackie the Artist and I can only assume she creates foot paintings. Brad gives her a nice shiny diamond necklace and takes her to the Hollywood Bowl for some meat and wine. Jackie has only had two serious relationships and this scares Brad but he gives her the rose anyway and they slow dance to Train. I wasn't particularly convinced of the chemistry between these two. I say she lasts a couple more episodes and then goes on her way to make some impressionistic pieces based on her journey with Brad. I suspect that most of them will have six pack abs as the center of the work.

Time for the most dramatic cocktail party ever. Rachel and Melissa get into a drunk fight and one of Rachel's fake boobs almost explodes under the pressure. She is a "manscaper" so she has to always look her best. Ali and Roberto come back to listen to the girls to see who is there for the right reasons. I didn't even bother with her season. I disliked the fact that someone would quit a job with Facebook to go on this show. They didn't even show what advice they had to give Brad, probably because they didn't have anything intelligent to say. Brad does get some alone time with Emily though who leaves him fumbling over his words. She's the bombshell of the season and I award her front-runner status.

Rose ceremonies are alway so stressful even when I can fast forward on DVR. So let's not have any suspense. Melissa, Rachel and LA Rockette Keltie have to part ways with The Bachelor. Poor Keltie. She has the saddest exit interview of any second episode. She really believes she is going to be alone for the rest of her life. She's tried normal dating, work dating (never works out), getting set up, online dating, and now this. Destined to be alone. I'm sure some nice Internet troll will want to date you. Just look at all the online forums Keltie, I'm sure you'll find a good one.

Next week, Emily has a secret but will she tell Brad? No, she's not knocked up, but she is pregnant with emotion.

My 2011 Fortune

Sorry everyone, the cookie hath spoken.

Carrey the Weight

     Jim Carrey charged up the defibrillator paddles this past Saturday to resuscitate SNL. This season had been lacking in the laughs department and it wasn't clear to me if it was less than stellar writing or uncomfortable show hosts causing the problems. The show just wasn't very funny. A couple of giggles here and there but not really any guffaws or need to have multiple viewings of one clip. Carrey is a veteran of sketch comedy on late night television as he was a cast member of the memorable 90's show, In Living Color.

      Carrey seamlessly fit into the SNL cast and completely dove for every character he portrayed. I find it very annoying when I can see the host looking at the cue cards. You have had a whole week to memorize your lines and I can see you reading word for word the entire skit. If Carrey was doing this, I didn't even notice. Especially not in the Black Swan skit but that's probably because he was dancing his heart out.

      Tie for favorite skit of the night. "Psychic Medium" and "Taste of New York". Although quote of  belongs to "Nobody does a Thicke". Carrey is quite excellent at impressions and according to my father, that's the key to success as a comedian. Apparently, my dad is right.

     Here's the link to the Hulu clip of "Psychic Medium for your enjoyment:
     http://www.hulu.com/playlist/8737#pli11738

My Gift is My Blog and This Post's For You

The holidays. Time to sniff the pine in the air and hope your family members like the presents you gave them enough to hold back their disappointment in how you treated them the rest of the year. In the Parkman household, Christmas always meant movie time. The best Christmas movies are always made for tv.

When I was a kid, I loved "To Grandmother's House We Go" featuring the Olsen Twins. I waited every year just for that movie and those were the days when I didn't have a tv guide right on my tv or the ability to view the entire thing on YouTube. I would anxiously wait for the Sunday before Christmas when the newspaper would deliver the paper guide and I would scan every channel for this particular movie. Mary-Kate and Ashley play twins who run away from their single workaholic mother to their Grandmother's house. Along the way, they meet up with the delivery man who just so happens to be in love with their mother. I won't give away the ending but let's just say that there is a rousing rendition of the old "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream" song. I really liked the fact that girls my age (7 at the time) were able to have an adventure by themselves and not get in huge trouble. I think I like holiday movies because no matter what crazy things someone does or says, by the end of movie everyone is drinking eggnog and too drunk to be mad at each other. That's exactly what happens to the Olsen twins, by the way. MK and Ash get too drunk to be mad at each other for eating too much ice cream and not being able to fit into their own brand of pants.

My brother and I really loved "Santa Claus is Comin' To Town." We wanted to rent the movie year-round but were told that we couldn't watch Christmas movies in July. I especially loved movies in general about orphans and adopted children that overcome their humble upbringings to accept their rightful destiny so it was a perfect Christmas movie. The main character, Kris, is orphaned and taken by animals to Tanta Kringle where he because an expert toymaker. He leaves for the big city where toys are outlawed by the nefarious Burgermeister Meisterburger. Of course, Kris meets Jessica, falls in love, helps a wizard walk again, and becomes Santa Claus. It's perfect. It explains the origins of Santa so well that I never questioned the guy. Oh why does Santa bring toys? Cause his family was toymakers to the king and children would write letters to him asking for toys. He was so nice that he couldn't say no. Why do reindeer fly? Because the Winter Warlock was running out of magic and the only way to save Kris from jail was to feed reindeer magic feed corn that enable them to fly and break him out of jail. Duh. Only troubling thing about Santa. That red amish beard.

Community: Where's Burl Ives When You Need Him

Community reminded me of something valuable tonight; Christmas can be whatever you make it. This is the time of year when things look different. Could be the time change, could be the cold, but whatever it is, the transition from fall to winter is hard. Community did what it does best tonight. The show took a classic pop culture Christmas tradition, the stop-motion animation movies, and turned it into something relevant for the modern audiences while adding humor without losing heart.

We can all connect with Abed because Christmas brings back some tough memories*, and watching movies with his mom was his favorite Christmas tradition that helped him through the season. So when she sends him a card telling him she has a new life now, it breaks his heart. Who wouldn't retreat into silicone based stop motion characters to find the meaning of the holiday? The core message of the episode is that even though he once defined Christmas as spending time with his mom, he can transform it into whatever makes him happy. He now has a tight-knit group of friends to spend the day with and they are even willing to stop a crazy Christmas Wizard while standing on top of a train.

Growing up is hard enough and adding on the loss of a favorite tradition doesn't make it any easier especially with the media cramming happy families in our faces. Community did a nice job of reminding us that the holidays don't have to be cookie-cutter to be as sweet as a gingerbread cookie. Not to mention they invented a Christmas pterodactyl.

Let's not forget Shirley as a diapered baby was pretty hilarious. Adults dressed as babies gets me every time. She also got some pipes on her, Shirley's Jesus-inspired solo during the final song was show stopping.

I love when television shows have Christmas-themed episodes because they remind you no matter how bleak life can look sometimes, when you are surrounded by people who love and support you, it brightens even the darkest winter day.

*If there's one thing every child in the world can agree on, it's that Christmas reminds us of betrayal. That was the first lie that ever made us question our parents and their sanity. I remember one year when I was about six or seven when my brother and I slept out in the living room waiting for Santa to bring our presents. He never did. So I woke up the next morning and knocked on my parent's door and said "There are no presents". We were hastily put in our rooms and "Santa" put the presents under the tree. That's how we found out. For the first ten minutes I was awake, I thought Santa had forgotten us. The horror of those minutes was like realizing the milk you are currently drinking is curdled.

Glee: All I Want for Christmas is My Legs or Brother Where Art Thou

^(That's how I feel about it sometimes too)

Let's talk about last night's Glee episode. I don't want to recap it because it will sound like I'm talking about several different Christmas movies and everyone who reads my blog will get confused (So that means I will confuse myself).

First off, why is everyone on this show a single child? Why do none of them have siblings? This is Ohio. People procreate more than this in the mid west. Is the creator trying to send a subliminal message to the public to stop over-population? It's mind boggling. Although, it does explain a lot of their behavior.

Rachel bothers me because it's hard to feel a connection with her character. It seems as though she faces many of the problems of normal teenagers as she is an ultra-competitive, self-conscious, kinda geeky attention whore. However, I find it really hard to like her as person. She is extremely inconsistent for someone who is so self-righteous. It would be easier to believe her inconsistency if they treated her like an actual teenager instead of Liza Minelli. Then I could believe her mood changes were about growing up and not about going through menopause or because the ridiculous plot needed her to act out of character. I mean she has been going on for two seasons about how much she loved Finn. It would have been much more in character if she had tried to one-up Santana by concocting some outlandish scheme involving sleeping with Finn instead of cheating on him with Puck. It just felt like a contrivance to keep them apart.

Brittany's parents remain an anomaly and the show needs to put these two interesting people on the air so we can all see the origins of Brittany S. Pierce. She is the best part of the show by far with one-liners so unexpected you choke on the English toffee you've been inhaling. Her parents must be such whackadoodles to have raised a teenager who believes that dolphins are just gay sharks and who continues to believe in Santa. I guess her parents never forgot to put her presents under the tree.

Kurt and Blaine have no obstacles in their way to be together, and I really can't think of a reason why they couldn't start dating. Is it that Kurt's new to the school? No, that's not a thing. Focusing on studying. No, Blaine singing at some Christmas thing and not in the library. Is one of them in a relationship? No, they are single that we know of. That's a free path to each other. So the show must be waiting for February sweeps. Otherwise, it would have been too quick for them to get together before the show through a wrench into their relationship and add a nice fellow named Thad into the mix to create a triangle.

For kicks, here's the real Wham "Last Christmas" music video. Freshly grated cheese:

Liz Lemon as the Everywoman

One of the reasons I like 30 Rock so much is because I relate to Liz Lemon. Her attachment to sandwiches is a direct link to my own life. As Liz said herself, "I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich". What a profound statement. How many times have you had to eat lunch next to someone you didn't want to talk to? The whole time they are chewing away on their tofu salad and telling some asinine story of their time spent in Atlantic City being mistaken for a prostitute and all you really want to do is enjoy your sandwich in silence.

Watch an episode of 30 Rock and see for yourself how easy it is to slip into Liz Lemon's shoes. She may do things we want to do but because of our self-imposed moral codes, don't. For example, following a crush into a meeting of AA and then pretending to be an alcoholic to get close to them. Like none of us have ever thought of that one. Or trying to trick an adoption agent into considering you to be a parent while they have mild amnesia. Common place deception. What about the time she told Floyd all of her secrets? Like pooping in her pants at an all-you-can eat buffett but not leaving until she finished her second plate of shrimp. Liz Lemon exemplifies what we all think but don't say or what we do but can never tell anyone because it's far too embarassing. Therefore, she is all of us.