The opening scene to this most glorious episode has the second-time Bachelor thinking with a football in his hands while staring out into the great abyss of the greater Los Angeles region. Every guy does their best thinking while holding a football and most of the time they are thinking of beer and cheerleaders, not unlike what happens on The Bachelor.
The women this season have been scrounged up from the darkest corners of America and include two girls named Chantal (granted one spells her name Shawntel). One even quit her job as a waitress to enter this voyage of love with Brad and has no problem repeating that fact over the entire course of this episode. Seeing twenty girls fighting over one aloof guy reminds me of being in a sorority so this show is like a welcome homecoming.
Someone must have protested about ageism because the ages are not displayed next to the contestant's names anymore, leaving me guesstimating that the average age of the women is like 27.5. Probably one or two over 30, five at about 29-30, ten from 26-28 and with the youngest probably being 23.
Let's get into the first date. Ashley the Dentist receives the first one on one date much to the chagrin of the other women who don't even pretend to be happy for her. She decides to wear a dress that is made of gold lamé and eighteen layers of tulle on the bottom. Interesting choice. Brad picks her up in a nice car (just once I want them to get into a Honda Civic) and whisks her away to a darkened path where she is to pull a switch and electrocute her first prisoner as an homage to Brad's home state of Texas. Actually, she pulls the switch and lights up a whole carnival, just for the two of them. The unfortunate part is that they have to walk through a giant creepy clown face. If it was me I would have said "date over". Skip to the montage of merry making and I do have to say that it seems like Brad is genuinely having fun. He gives Dentist Ash a pretty strong high five as if he didn't even remember he was on television and shouldn't smack a woman. They get into some deep conversation and Brad acts as though it's life changing how alike the are and, bada bing, Ash gets a rose. I'm going to go ahead and call her a front-runner.
Back at the Mansion (again, I like to see the girls in maybe a mobile home), the women find out that 15 of them are going to be going on a group date. Uh-oh, fifteen girls+estrogen+Brad=drama. It's Michelle's 30th Birthday for the group date and she is not going to stop talking about it until she gets her way. It was every other word out of her mouth. That woman has some of the creepiest eyes I have ever seen. I would be scared to be in the same room as her because you can tell that every minute of the day she is plotting to manipulate someone. And that's exactly what she does. The contestants make several commercials for the American Red Cross Blood Donation banks, none of which are well acted, and during a particularly steamy scene involving two girls, one cup and Brad, Michelle storms out. Her plan has worked and Brad comes over to see how she is doing. Sly way of getting alone time. The women and Brad then head to some sort of pool for the obligatory ab shot of the episode and Michelle gets the rose. The appetizers looked really delicious but they were of course untouched because these women can't eat for the two months whilst they are on this show per the contract they sign.
Next up is Jackie the Artist and I can only assume she creates foot paintings. Brad gives her a nice shiny diamond necklace and takes her to the Hollywood Bowl for some meat and wine. Jackie has only had two serious relationships and this scares Brad but he gives her the rose anyway and they slow dance to Train. I wasn't particularly convinced of the chemistry between these two. I say she lasts a couple more episodes and then goes on her way to make some impressionistic pieces based on her journey with Brad. I suspect that most of them will have six pack abs as the center of the work.
Time for the most dramatic cocktail party ever. Rachel and Melissa get into a drunk fight and one of Rachel's fake boobs almost explodes under the pressure. She is a "manscaper" so she has to always look her best. Ali and Roberto come back to listen to the girls to see who is there for the right reasons. I didn't even bother with her season. I disliked the fact that someone would quit a job with Facebook to go on this show. They didn't even show what advice they had to give Brad, probably because they didn't have anything intelligent to say. Brad does get some alone time with Emily though who leaves him fumbling over his words. She's the bombshell of the season and I award her front-runner status.
Rose ceremonies are alway so stressful even when I can fast forward on DVR. So let's not have any suspense. Melissa, Rachel and LA Rockette Keltie have to part ways with The Bachelor. Poor Keltie. She has the saddest exit interview of any second episode. She really believes she is going to be alone for the rest of her life. She's tried normal dating, work dating (never works out), getting set up, online dating, and now this. Destined to be alone. I'm sure some nice Internet troll will want to date you. Just look at all the online forums Keltie, I'm sure you'll find a good one.
Next week, Emily has a secret but will she tell Brad? No, she's not knocked up, but she is pregnant with emotion.
