The Bachelorette: I Left My Heart on a Snowmobile

At least I couldn't predict Ed leaving. I have gotten to the point where I can tell what's going to happen next on these reality dating shows but today ABC won the battle. For once.

Let's start from the very beginning of the episode. Jillian takes the guys to Whistler. Snowy, beautiful, mountainous Whistler, Canada, adding the whiteness of this season. Michael, the break dance instructor, gets the first date. How much do break dance instructors get paid? How can this guy afford an apartment in New York City? So many questions, so little time. Oh wait, there's nothing but time but I guess Jilly doesn't want to talk about it.

The zipline across the river looked fun and safe. I bet a fall from that height onto the snowy river would just maim the person instead of killing the person instantly. Mike is full of energy, in fact, he might be too energetic. He is probably supplementing his dance teacher salary with drug pushing. He is way more into Jilly than she is into him. I think it's an age difference thing. Mike is like 5 years younger than Jillian. My bet is that she looks at him as the kooky younger brother instead of the gallant husband. She keeps him around though because he's a fun guy that adds some character to the otherwise white bread cast.

Next up is the group date which included "every Canadian woman's dream" of riding on snowmobiles through the woods with eligible bachelors. That is a pretty revealing statement about Canadians.

Robby and Reid are boring people. They are just kind of heads on sticks that blob along. Can't see them lasting on the show too much longer.

Kiptyn, despite his Mickey Mouse ears, appears to be the front runner to me. Our girl Jillian is smitten with the tan surfer dude. She doesn't even want to talk to the men and from the looks of it, the Kipper doesn't need to have any life changing convos with her.

Poor cartoon pilot Jake has not gotten any one-on-one time since the Marina McBride McConcert. I wish she wouldn't have a problem with his perfectness.

Jesse the winemaker from Carmel Valley had an interesting date on a glacier that seemed to consist of making patterns in the snow. I feel like it was mostly the producers telling them to run around and make snow angels. Ultimately, after surveying the immaculate scenery, they get into deep conversation which only seems appropriate considering the scenery. Nothing too groundbreaking. Oh Jesse, you had a girlfriend that you broke up with because you couldn't commit. But wait, a mere 6 months later you are in a place in your life where you can commit. How wonderful! Sounds like a guy trap to me.

Hot tub Harris gets another chance to show off her jacuzzi skills. I wonder what sort of workout plan she's on because Jilly is one skinny bitch. I did really like her green plaid bathing suit and once I go on The Biggest Loser, I plan to buy it. Actually, that was my favorite part of the show tonight because it seemed like the most natural Jilly and Jesse had been on that whole date. Maybe it was the alcohol combined with the chlorine, but whatever it was it was working.

Ed left, Jilly was sad. I didn't really see any sparks going on with the tech consultant. And like any self respecting computer geek, he ultimately choose his hard drive over his love connection. I hope he's happy with his spider solitaire.

Only one man was asked to leave this week. No surprise, Mark went home. Mark's beard grows back after like 5 minutes after shaving. I think he may be the Wolfman and Jilly suspected it and got rid of him before he could transfer his lycanthropy.

Possibly, the most entertaining part of the show tonight was the preview promising one of the guys having an intimacy issue. This is interesting for two reasons, 1. Will the Bachelorette face talking about sex directly to the public? And 2. Who does Jill hate enough to rat out? I can't wait. This is the reason they call it "funemployment".

That was kinda Goode

Television in the summertime used to mean all night marathons of classic tv shows on Nick at Nite. As a result, "Bewitched" and "I Dream of Jeannie" still haunt my dreams. Now networks have decided that shows about fat people bouncing off of giant rubber balls is worthy of prime time.

I gave "The Goode Family" a chance because it was created by animation and satire genre genius Mike Judge, better known for "Beavis & Butthead" and "King of Hill". I spent many a Sunday night as a youth watching Hank Hill's latest moral dilemma.

The Goodes are a family of politically correct, eco-friendly vegans who drive a hybrid car. The audience can tell it's a hybrid because it has HYBRID in painted on the car. Judge is trying to go in the opposite direction of King of Hill while playing close to his usual themes.

The Hills and the Goodes, on paper, look like families with different completely different values but after watching the double feature that aired on ABC tonight, the shows' themes remain the same. If you strip down the shoes to core, they both showcase well-meaning fathers that never quite seem to get it right, intensely morally upright mothers who are just seeking acceptance, and socially outcast children that find pleasure in things their parents will never understand.

Maybe Judge believes that he has direct insight into the plight of the American family. And while he may be more tapped in than other adults, he seems to be running this family into the ground.

That being said, tonight's episodes did actually make me laugh a couple of times out loud. Anytime a show creates its own disgusting Sri Lankan animal with green ooze pouring out of its skin wins a couple of points with me.

Overall, I will probably give the show another chance because there really is nothing else on in this summer. Especially because I have seen every repeat of "I Love Lucy".

The Bachelorette: Moons Over My Hammy

Ahhh, the roid rage. 

If the most recent episode of The Bachelorette can teach the youth of America anything, it's a young man can act like a complete jerk behind the back of his love interest and retain her attraction.

But that's jumping ahead, let's start at the beginning. Last week, on the most recent episode of The Bachelorette before tonight, we learned to not fake taking a shot and "the bubble" a la 30 Rock* really exists. We also learned it doesn't take much to get on this show, all you have to do is be a complete ham.

Adonis himself, Chris Harrison, shows up the tell the men about their next dates and lucky Big Boy Ed gets the little lady all to himself. Jillian is so excited about the great surprise she has for Big Eddy. It always peeves me when the Bachelorette or Bachelor claim to have planned the date. Why do they insist on acting like they even know more than 3o minutes before the show the date they are going on?

After a helicopter tour and zip-lining, Big Eddy and Jillian get to know each other in the pool. Nothing better than a little liquid canoodling. I have seen enough of the late night dinner on top of the building dates to feel a little skeptical of the future of these two. Not enough spark for my tastes. Maybe I'm just sick of the whole "I never open up to anyone" spiel. It's just a coy ploy. It works though because Big Eddy gets a rose boutonniere and gets the stay in the Big Boy Mansion.

Too many of the boys to mention get invited to a Hollywood set to film some Western scenes. hopefully, none of these guys went on the show to be famous because their acting was a bit contrived. Not like all the acting they pull when they are around Jillian. 

Another downtown LA location. Interesting they never show the surrounding areas because that might ruin the magic. A couple of skeeze moves and a pool scene later, Bobby the Bartender receives a rose. Goes to show, pick a girl up and swing her around and you capture a little bit of her heart.

Sascha the Oil Baron gets a one on one date that doesn't go so well. After sharing his intensely emotional story about his car accident, Jillian decides that because he has never had his heart broken, he won't be able to fall in love. No, he hasn't had his heart broken but his pelvis broke in ten places. That seems like enough pain. Funny, last week Kiptyn said the same thing and Jillian kept him around. Maybe she just didn't want to make out with Sascha enough.

The Juan and Dave Drama Meltdown seems to have been brought on by a combination of steroid overuse and Casanova Syndrome. Dave needs to calm down and stop twitching his eye and Juan needs to back down from the cheesy comments. I guess Dave was right when he called Juan a cheese ass. 

Long story, short, no surprises at the rose ceremony except maybe Dave but some girls are attracted to the Alpha Male. It goes back to the days when loinclothes were acceptable on days other that Halloween and women needed a strong man to protect them from the sabertooth tigers and wooly mammoths.

Next week looks promising. Some of these guys probably have girlfriends. Let the accusations fly!

*"The Bubble" is an excellent episode of the most awesome show, 30 Rock. Jon Hamm guests stars as Liz Lemon's love interest who lives in complete ignorance that his extreme attractiveness let him get away with things people of average appearance can't.

Beginning Pt. 1

As a girl in my early twenties, my television tastes are often regarded as discriminating and sophisticated. Since my opinion is highly sought after by those in the "media community", I decided to create a blog dedicated to informing the masses of the shows I deem worthy of my prose. Check back for reviews about modern television shows and classics works of artistry.